How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
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Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.