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i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Best spot.. 😅
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.