Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
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[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
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1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…