ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
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If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
🤣dope
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.