[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
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I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it