A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
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COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like