The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
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Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
A double negative is a big no-no.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.