Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
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Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
stop
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
this country is so goddamn polarized
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio