On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
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Bruh PLEASE
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome