My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
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cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.