HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
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shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*