Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
You Might Also Like
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
reviewed some movies recently
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
I would move hell over six inches for you
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics