OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
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Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that