[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
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Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
love it when they get my name right
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
New menu item
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips