My time has come.
You Might Also Like
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
you gotta be faster
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
dictator is short for richard potato
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again