A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
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I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife