Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
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A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.