I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
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I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.