my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
You Might Also Like
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
🤦🏻♀️😂😂