5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
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I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.