Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
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I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.