My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
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What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
the short answer to this question
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
#dalle2
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.