“I FIXED IT!”
You Might Also Like
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Realize this:
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.