mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
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i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
I think this should do it.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.