When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
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BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
A huge thanks to the person that did this
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart