Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
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My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
This could be us but you eatin’
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?