My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
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A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
oh my gosh!!
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.