I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
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I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.