God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
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Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!