My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
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Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…