Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
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[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Forever 21… pounds overweight
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.