him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
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[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant