I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
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Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.