Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
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“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
peak technology
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
🤣dope