I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
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boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty