Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
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Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
👾👾👾
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look