Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
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WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Oh thanks BBC.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP