Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
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Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.