I’ve been learning to cook.
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[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
I beg your pardon?
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
britain’s three elite institutions
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.