Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
You Might Also Like
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.