Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
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ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
My inexpensive home security system…
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
a god among men
A ghost story
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.