Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
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It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
The sacred texts.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
who will stop them
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”