Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
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my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season