*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
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I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
(yawn)
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.