Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
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She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.