You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
You Might Also Like
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
he chose this
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
oh no, steve’s working tonight
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…