Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
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Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.