Not even remotely sorry.
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They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Saw your ex at the shops
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.