I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
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I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Oh. My. God.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Good morning
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
my nickname in college
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…