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HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.